A new love partner becomes your universe and, naturally, the object of your sexual desire when you first meet them because of the rush of feel-good hormones.
But after a few years, you’ll probably discover that the longer you’re with someone, the more ebb and flow there is in your desire. Even though it’s quite common, you might desire to break out of a sexual rut occasionally.
Here’s what to do if you recognize that.
Why does desire diminish?
It’s rather common for long-term couples to experience a decline in sexual desire. Eight months to five years into a relationship, that drop-off can occur.
It also occurs for a plethora of reasons. As the honeymoon phase passes, not only do the hormones we typically associate with falling in love start to decline, but other hormonal elements are also at work, particularly if you’ve been together for years.
We’re all prone to experiencing a decrease in sexual drive as we age, whether it’s from childbearing, perimenopause, menopause, or falling testosterone. Of course, life also happens.
Your libido may be affected by new medicine, one or both partners may be stressed out about job or money, and your routine with the kids keeps you busy. You can bet that if there has been simmering animosity in the partnership, that will also kill the buzz.
It’s important to remember that many couples choose to put off having quality time together right before bed, which isn’t always a good idea. If people are only considering having sex as they are getting into bed, then most people just want to read, scroll, or go to sleep. Perhaps what they’re looking for doesn’t feel like work. Sex might also feel like labor if you’re the person with reduced desire.
4 Tips on Igniting More Romantic Desire
1. Plan your sexy time.
Setting aside time for intimacy is one of the greatest strategies to increase desire in a partnership. Just enjoy each other for 45–60 minutes a week without any interruptions.
If you don’t think scheduling is all that hot, remember that spontaneity isn’t always good for people with lesser desires. They respond more readily to setting up a situation, an atmosphere, and a bond that promotes arousal and desire.
The best thing about this time is that there isn’t supposed to be a purpose. Not even having sex is necessary. It all comes down to setting up an atmosphere where people can play, socialize, and have a good time while they’re nude.
Maintain a lighthearted approach, as any expectation or pressure will lead to disappointment, guilt, and shame. Thus, spend some sacred intimate time together by massaging each other, playing a game, talking about your days, or doing anything else that seems meaningful.
2. Recognize that you are whole.
Remind yourself that it’s natural if you and your lover aren’t as infatuated as you once were. To be honest, that’s to be anticipated. People with low desires may experience remorse or a sense of being damaged. Higher-desire individuals, on the other hand, experience rejection and unwelcome feelings.
Being able to acknowledge and name those emotions while still knowing that you haven’t done anything wrong is a common occurrence for many people in committed partnerships.
Keeping that in mind, keep in mind that neither of you may be feeling very good about the decline in desire, so take care not to get into a vicious cycle of guilt, blame, and humiliation.
3. Recognize and hold space for one another’s needs.
We won’t pretend that discussing your fantasies and sexual wants isn’t a touch awkward if you tend to be more reserved. However, overcoming your discomfort will only make your spouse more understanding of how to make you happy and vice versa.
If you want to be more exact about what turns you on and off, try using an entertaining worksheet. Compare your results after you and your companion have completed the worksheets. You may discover that there is some overlap! And if you don’t, don’t be afraid—you may still meet halfway; it happens a lot.
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4. Have a weekly meeting with each other.
Speaking of holding space, it’s essential that you check in with each other once a week for fifteen minutes, even if you don’t plan for your sexy time. Start a discussion about your wants, desires, and sex life.
Be open and nonjudgmental during this period, even if it makes you uncomfortable. In the end, normalizing these conversations will help you and your spouse become more at ease with that discomfort. You can understand each other better, which gets us to our following point.
To Wrap Things Up
Though it occurs to the best of couples, it can be quite disheartening to feel as though the desire has vanished from your relationship. However, don’t give up hope, desire can come back. If you feel like you’ve been trapped in a sexual rut for a long time, consider consulting with a professional, such as a couple’s therapist, intimacy coach, or a sex therapist.
Communication is essential in all aspects of human relationships. Talk to one another, respect your wants, and realize that pleasure is something we all deserve.
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